My life BC (Before children)

When I think back to my life BC [Before Children], memories of good times and good friends flood me with feelings of joy and longing.  I remember thousands [OK, maybe zillions] of nights spent dancing like a crazy person in the clubs of Orlando until the wee hours of the morning. Although my memories of those days are a but fuzzy, I distinctly remember having an absolute blast and being surrounded by phenomenal people.  

Don't get me wrong, there were a few times I'd rather not think about- Like being arrested for trespassing and assault on a Police Officer after watching my bestie OD [She lived so it could've been MUCH worse] Or the night I drove my Mitsubishi Eclipse into Lake Nona [No seriously, INTO Lake Nona] Or the night I came home to my little apartment, admittedly not in the best part of town, to find my front door wide open & the lock completely disintegrated [Fear instantly replaced by Sheer Panic] after working a late night bartending shift [did I mention, with over $300 in cash on my person?] Yeah, THOSE times seriously sucked Big Donkey Balls! Thank God- they were few and far between and even provided hours of laughter to my friends when I Instant Replay-ed them later on.

My life AD [After Debauchery] seems so mild and boring when I remember some of the outfits we used to wear Raving and even think back to some of the jobs I had [Gentlemen's Club anyone?] As it stands now, its been nearly impossible for me to justify my explanation against my kids partying and experimenting once they became teenagers [my daughter is a Sophomore in High School].  No matter how Parent-like I try to convince myself to be, no matter the disciplinarian attitude I try to convey, I find myself feeling like a fraud inside.  These are not feelings I ever imagined I'd be feeling before I became responsible for my own little people.

Reconciling these very real feelings with the person I used to be has kept me up on many occasions. I'm sure I can't be the only Mother in the world with a sordid past to transform her life AD. If your out there, I'd love to hear from you. 

[Before responding, please send your reply through your Kindness Filter.  Believe me, I've beat myself up worse than you could EVER do. No judgement or condemnation necessary.]

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well-preserved body; but rather, to skid in broadside, in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up and totally worn out and loudly proclaiming WOW! What a Ride!!"~ Hunter S. Thompson

 

One of those days

You know when you have one of those days? The days when, before your feet even hit the ground, the little voice inside says "THIS one is gonna be a bitch!"
I'm having one of those days today.  Not that I didn't wanna get out of bed because of it, I mean I've come to the point in my life that no matter what happens, everything will turn out for the best.  That realization came to me after many, many years of suffering and chaos, most of it self-inflicted too.  I guess you could say I'm hard-headed or stubborn- I'll blame that on my Mediterranean blood coupled with being raised by an Italian step-father.  [I haven't quite overcome the finger-pointing yet, as you can see]
But as I mentioned before, I'm certainly not perfect.  I still have days [like today for instance] that the committee in my head gets the better of me. And I have to work really hard to put a smile on my face and trudge through it.  On days like this, I try to remind myself that everything is temporary and I usually find out that I'm stronger than I thought I was.  Sometimes I have to take a bat to the speaker so its message is all garbled....... like the schoolteacher in a Charlie Brown special. Other days, I find it much easier to ignore the negative self-talk I hear. [I like those days best :-)] Some days, its as easy as reminding myself to breathe thru it but on other days, no amount of breathing could make me feel any better.
Somehow, even on those really crappy days when I hear a million opinions at the same time and my breathing makes me reach for a paper bag, i know that if I REALLY pay attention and dig deep, I can get through it.  It might be uncomfortable, it might even become painful and I'm certainly NOT going to like it.....but I will probably grow and learn from it. As long as I'm willing to put in the work.


So, here's a question: what do you do to get through tough days?

"Women are like tea bags. We don't know our own strength until we are in hot water."

~Eleanor Roosevelt